Coming into Blaugust, I had no intentions of joining in with the Community Project but this week's prompt is too tempting to ignore. That means, when I finish this, I'll have written two Community posts when I wasn't planning on writing any. It's like free will is an illusion...
That's the prompt, up there at the top of the post. It's a familiar question. I had the radio on this morning while I was in the bath and a variation of it came up on Just A Minute, something along the lines of "What's Your Most Useless Super Power?"
Hmm. Do I need to explain what Just A minute is now, for the benefit of my largely non-UK audience? I guess I could link to the show on BBC Sounds but I'll bet that's blocked outside the UK, just like iPlayer. I'll just link to the wikipedia page instead. It's bound to have one.
Boy, Just A Minute's been going along time, hasn't it? That was an almost-new episode I heard this morning but I remember, one afternoon when I was in primary school, I'd have been about nine or ten, a teacher had the bright idea of getting us to play it. It did not go well.
Now I'm past retirement age and it's still going! And we think MMORPGs go on and on.
Uh oh. Rabbit-hole Alert!
Dragging myself back to the subject at hand, the idea of choosing a super power for yourself is always appealing. Paeroka reflects what's perhaps the most common response by focusing on three of the big five, Invisibility, Flight and Super Speed, the other two being Super Strength and Invulnerability, of course. Or possibly X-Ray Vision if you're a teenage boy.
Roger, on the other hand, applies the less-common but not all that unusual deprecatory approach, in which he concentrates more on what would be bad about having certain powers instead of fantasizing about all the amazing things he could do if he had one of them.
Of the two, I find myself far more in sympathy with Paeroka. Sure, there'd be
some downsides but surely it'd be worth it to be able to leap tall buildings
at a bound. (Oh yeah? Tell that to Bruce Banner...)
The most popular powers are the most popular for a very good reason: they'd be amazing! And also amazingly practical. Just imagine how much time and money you'd save, being able to fly like... well, like almost every super-hero you ever heard of.
They can all fly, can't they? In fact, it barely counts as a super power. You have to be able to do something else as well. How many super-heroes can you think of whose main or only power is flight?
Angel. The Falcon. Black Canary... Oh, no, wait... she can't fly, can she? Imagine being named after a bird and not being able to fly! Or a bat...
In fact, Flight is so unambiguously de rigueur just to be able to function as a super-hero, the Legion of Superheroes, about whom I was only speaking just the other day, issue a Legion Flight Ring to all successful applicants immediately, so as to prevent any awkwardness when an alarm goes out. You can hardly have most of the team soaring into the air, flying off to confront the bad guys, and leave one or two puffing along behind on foot, can you?
So, yes, Flight's always a good one. Great for commuting, going on holiday and generally getting around. Super speed is good for the same things but also for getting yourself into the Guinness Book of Records for things like "Shortest Time To Peel An Apple". I haven't checked but I wouldn't be at all surprised if that's a real Guinness record. (It's 16.41 seconds in case you were wondering.)
Super Strength I find harder to come up with viable use cases for, unless you're a manual laborer of some sort. Or a sports person who doesn't mind cheating. Yes, you could lift your car to inspect the damage after you'd driven one time too many over that pothole at the end of the road that the bloody council still hasn't fixed and you'd be able to get the tops off of very stubborn pickle jars easily enough but really, if you don't plan on punching a lot of super villains in the face, Super Strength is of limited value.
Invulnerability, though... You really can't fault Invulnerability. No more broken nails, paper cuts, stubbed toes... I'd take it just so I could stop accidentally biting holes in the inside of my mouth, something I seem to do at least a couple of times every month.
And of course it might, on occasion, save your life. It really only needs to do that once and you'll always be glad you picked it over all the other, flashier, more exciting powers. But still, it is a bit dull, isn't it? Passives always are.
That leaves Invisibility, which competes with X-Ray Vision as the prime pick
of the adolescent male and for much the same reasons, something we won't
explore in depth just now. Invisibility, though, has plenty of more salubrious
uses. Bird-watching, for example. No need to build a hide. You're not going to
be frightening the birds by standing there if they can't see you. Well, so
long as you keep nice and quiet, anyway.
If it's the sort of invisibility where things you pick up turn invisible too, then it opens up all kinds of possibilities for shoplifting. And to be fair, the prompt doesn't even imply you have to use your power for good. If you plan on using it for personal gain or revenge or mischief, there are few powers better suited to the job than Invisibility.
As a life-long fan of super-heroes in the comics and other media, though, I feel beholden to look past the obvious to consider some of the less-celebrated powers. Paeroka mentioned an excellent second-tier power in Teleportation but that, in many ways, is just a more efficient version of Flying. I'd certainly not turn it down if offered but I think I ought to be able to come up with something a little more left-field.
One of the least-acceptable but most useful would be the kind of psychic domination employed by the likes of the Purple Man or the Mandrill. You tell people what to do and they do it. It's coercive and pretty much impossible to use in almost every situation without committing fully to the Evil Mastermind bit (Oh yes, Mastermind! Forgot about him. He could do it too, I think.) but you can't deny it would come in handy sometimes.
Like when you get back to your illegally parked car and find the traffic warden just slipping the ticket under the wiper. Would it really be evil to use your power to suggest to the warden that perhaps those two yellow lines actually stopped a few feet to the right?
I suuspect the temptation to do Very Bad Things with a power like that would eventually overwhelm even a saint. Best avoided, I think.
On a more harmless level, I always liked Princess Projectra's power to create wholly convincing illusions. That would be like having your own personal 3D cinema on hand, whenever you wanted it. Shapeshifting, as practiced by any number of heroes and villains from Chameleon Boy to the Super-Skrull has its attractions too: fool your friends and make a solid living as a look-alike of anyone famous who happens to be in demand.
The real problem with an awful lot of super powers, though, is that they're of very limited use if you don't plan on fighting anyone. Most of them come down to different ways of punching people or being able to be punched by them and keep on punching. Or to knock someone through a mountain or survive having a one dropped on your head, depending on the scale of the conflict.
Other extremely common powers like being able to shoot force rays out of your hands or force beams out of your eyes, or set things on fire or freeze them, have limited use in normal life. We have torches and laser-pointers and fridges and matches for things like that. Okay, not so much the force beams although a leaf-blower might work in a pinch. And who really wants to be a human leaf-blower?
The other problem, rarely addressed in the oft-recurring pub argument over
which is the best power, is that most of the good powers require at least one
other power to make them viable. If we're sticking strictly to just the one,
even something as simple as flight becomes problematic. Air friction is going
to be a real pain at speed, just as cold will be at height. Even being chased
by fighter jets might get old after the first few times.
You'd ideally need some combination of Invulnerability, Super-Speed and Invisibility to make the most of it and then you're talking Superman. Although come to think of it, turning invisible is one of the few tricks he can't do..
Even Invulnerability, the old reliable, has its drawbacks, depending on how it works. If it truly means nothing at all can harm you, then you're effectively going to be immortal. Which is nice but which might not be quite what you had in mind, especially after the bomb goes off and you're the only one left - alive, unhurt and alone. Forever, Because nothing can hurt you. At all. Not even time.
If it's regular Invulnerability along the lines of skin like steel, though, you might find yourself regretting your choice when you come down with some disease that requires surgery. Or even just a saline drip. Or a filling.
Hmm. It's a tough choice, isn't it? It's lucky for super-heroes that most of them have no say in the powers they get. It's rare for anyone's origin story to involve conscious choice. Powers almost always happen to people, often as a side-effect of something unpredictable, like being bitten by a radioactive spider or being showered by chemicals when a bolt of lightning strikes a nearby shelf.After that, it's all about coming to terms with the consequences, which generally means no self-recrimination over poor choices. Well, except about not standing too close to the window in a lightning storm, I suppose.
Not to sound like a rules lawyer but I think I'd need a lot more information about most of the powers before making a final choice. How fast can you fly, for example? I wouldn't want to end up like the Blimp from the Inferior Five. And if you go invisible, can you still see yourself? And do your clothes become invisible too or do you have to go around in the nude for it to work? These are crucial pieces of information.
I don't know. Maybe I'd go for something unnoticeable and innocuous like Telescopic Vision. We always take a small pair of binoculars with us when we take Beryl for walks in the countryside. It would save having to carry those round.
Or Telekinesis. That's always handy. When I think of the hours I've spent, staring hard at paper-clips, willing them to move... What? It can't just have been me, surely?
Oh, I don't know. Maybe I'd put half a dozen of the best ones in a hat and draw one at random. Or just go for Flight. You can't really go wrong with Flight.
Okay, if you're forcing me to pick, I pick Flight. There. Now are you satisfied?