"Honestly, This Writer Blows..."

There's a post from AI Weirdness about AI-generated April Fools' pranks in the blog roll today. It links to a another post and that post links to a website called talktotransformer.com and that goes to something called InferKit, which is a free demo. I thought it might be amusing to have it guest-write today's post.

You get 10,000 free characters a week. I set it to the maximum per attempt, one thousand, gave it a draft version of the opening paragraph above and let it roll.

The result was utterly bizarre. It was all about tennis, a detailed report of certain named players' histories and standings. I wiped that, fiddled with some settings, then tried again. This time I asked for something about video games and music and television.

This is what I got.

Hey, anyone remember years ago, it felt like years ago but was probably just 5 years ago, the long Game Boy advertisement with the creepy ringtone, the one after the title? Well, if not, it went a little something like this: "When it comes to Japanese video games, do you work to live, or die to live?"

Super Mario Land 2 Mario’s mastered everything he knew about being a Badass, you might say. But life is a bitch, you know!

Oh, that’s right, that’s what Call of Duty doesn’t get.

In this game there’s no survivors. You land on the bottom screen of the screen, and before you can use your fancy hand cannons or your righteous fists, Bowser appears on the moving screen.

“Well, well! I see someone’s pulled their dad’s minivan into my stage! How rude.” He swiftly moves to the sound effects menu: “BANG!” BOOM! BANG! BANG! “DISGUSTING!” “I HATE you!”

Oh yeah, pretty personal stuff there. Bowser’s got a thing against children, or something.

DO YOU EVER WANT TO RUN INTO MY LAWN AND TELL ME TO SHUT THE HELL UP? WHAT AM I, A GOON?

Hey, were you just listening to some bad music? Because I’m here to ensure that not only your ears, but also your joystick, are sufficiently dented by Bowser’s deathsticks.

I think Bowser would be a good foil for Ghostbusters. Think about it: a famous ghost has to contend with the ghosts of each mode’s Mario.

Excellent. Next, my friends are supposed to break into the attic level where the ghosts are congregating for protection.

THINGS ARE GETTING BIGGER, BRAINS!

Pause the movie!

It’s a very big bother trying to write all of these horror movie posters, no one can seem to keep up with the continuity. Let me put my hand up: I once saw the Shrubman family wandering through a cornfield for no reason whatsoever. And I thought I was hallucinating. But now, I can’t go downstairs in my apartment because Dr. Moreau’s trying to lure and devour me.

It really doesn’t matter what this movie does, though, as long as Dr. Moreau traps the wild toads in there too and makes all the houseboarders their dinner…
THINGS ARE GONNA GET BIG, EYEE!

I don’t think Krillin liked being psychoanalyzed. You know what, he probably liked it, so take the air horns off there.

The pace of this level is very fast: you have to punch a whole lot of ghosts in a short period of time, which is a real departure from most of the game: you’re normally sat around sipping Super Mushroom juice and reading otome.

“I can read if I wanna, thank you very much.”

Now that’s respect. In addition to the justifications your girlfriend may have given you prior, keeping a dark poster open with morbid illustrations helps out too. Can’t believe I ever fought you for this.

Cool story, bro, but did my ego really need a stroke? Haven’t you moved on to better things, like drawing stick figures while using your Daemon Powers?

Also: “We aren’t necessarily in the business of coercing people into joining our DYNAMITE TIN POT.”

What? Can’t they just go on holiday at the same time as me? Or shorten work hours so I can spend more time with them?

Honestly, this writer blows, I can’t believe it. I mean, check out this form I filled out: “I’m a complete wussy for Capcom USA’s initial English dubbing of Resident Evil 2. But give me that English dub of this sequel with the voice overs by two guys sitting in rubber doughnut chairs who were so good that their roles were immediately recast (Amadio, Anderson, Sjoklany).” You can go on as long as you want, ’cause you’re doing a poor job of proving this stuff just makes you seem like an eccentric old fart in a virtual world.

This section has about three hours of legless Mario to it. Damn straight!

I know, I understand your pain. Just get yourself one of those crutches and a note saying you tried out for Cheers and didn’t get it.

Wow, what a downer.

Right. I tried to buy Roy Mustang’s real name on an episode of Millennium Quake, but I missed the deadline. We should probably sue the...

And that's about enough of that.

To get a coherent piece long enough for a post, I cut and pasted the first thousand characters and fed it back in as the seed for the second thousand, then used the two thousand character result as the seed for the third. Each section follows on seamlessly from the one before but as you read the whole thing you can sense the degradation of logic and meaning as the AI feeds on itself.

I thought the post probably needed some illustrations so I fired up our old friend Artflow and put in a few choice phrases from the piece. The results were distinctly underwhelming so I googled "free ai image generators" and tried a few.

It wasn't much of an improvement. Or indeed any improvement. Mostly they were useless. Eventually I got one or two I was willing to use. The four-legged oyster catcher is nightmare fuel but at least there's a cute puppy.

I did think of just putting the AI-generated text and images up as a post without explanation or comment as an actual April Fool's joke but I'm not really fond of those so instead, in the zeitgeisty spirit of talking about talking about things instead of actually talking about them (I stole that from something I read yesterday. I think it was in one of the Atlantic articles. It's good, isn't it?), here's a post about April's Fools jokes that's not in itself an April Fool's joke even though it kind of is.

Enjoy!

Hey, anyone remember years ago, it felt like years ago but was probably just 5 years ago, the long Game Boy advertisement with the creepy ringtone, the one after the title? Well, if not, it went a little something like this: "When it comes to Japanese video games, do you work to live, or die to live?" Super Mario Land 2 Mario’s mastered everything he knew about being a Badass, you might say. But life is a bitch, you know! Oh, that’s right, that’s what Call of Duty doesn’t get. In this game there’s no survivors. You land on the bottom screen of the screen, and before you can use your fancy hand cannons or your righteous fists, Bowser appears on the moving screen. “Well, well! I see someone’s pulled their dad’s minivan into my stage! How rude.” He swiftly moves to the sound effects menu: “BANG!” BOOM! BANG! BANG! “DISGUSTING!” “I HATE you!” Oh yeah, pretty personal stuff there. Bowser’s got a thing against children, or something. DO YOU EVER WANT TO RUN INTO MY LAWN AND TELL ME TO SHUT THE HELL UP? WHAT AM I, A GOON? Hey, were you just listening to some bad music? Because I’m here to ensure that not only your ears, but also your joystick, are sufficiently dented by Bowser’s deathsticks. I think Bowser would be a good foil for Ghostbusters. Think about it: a famous ghost has to contend with the ghosts of each mode’s Mario. Excellent. Next, my friends are supposed to break into the attic level where the ghosts are congregating for protection. THINGS ARE GETTING BIGGER, BRAINS! Pause the movie! It’s a very big bother trying to write all of these horror movie posters, no one can seem to keep up with the continuity. Let me put my hand up: I once saw the Shrubman family wandering through a cornfield for no reason whatsoever. And I thought I was hallucinating. But now, I can’t go downstairs in my apartment because Dr. Moreau’s trying to lure and devour me. It really doesn’t matter what this movie does, though, as long as Dr. Moreau traps the wild toads in there too and makes all the houseboarders their dinner… THINGS ARE GONNA GET BIG, EYEE! I don’t think Krillin liked being psychoanalyzed. You know what, he probably liked it, so take the air horns off there. The pace of this level is very fast: you have to punch a whole lot of ghosts in a short period of time, which is a real departure from most of the game: you’re normally sat around sipping Super Mushroom juice and reading otome. “I can read if I wanna, thank you very much.” Now that’s respect. In addition to the justifications your girlfriend may have given you prior, keeping a dark poster open with morbid illustrations helps out too. Can’t believe I ever fought you for this. Cool story, bro, but did my ego really need a stroke? Haven’t you moved on to better things, like drawing stick figures while using your Daemon Powers? Also: “We aren’t necessarily in the business of coercing people into joining our DYNAMITE TIN POT.” What? Can’t they just go on holiday at the same time as me? Or shorten work hours so I can spend more time with them? Honestly, this writer blows, I can’t believe it. I mean, check out this form I filled out: “I’m a complete wussy for Capcom USA’s initial English dubbing of Resident Evil 2. But give me that English dub of this sequel with the voice overs by two guys sitting in rubber doughnut chairs who were so good that their roles were immediately recast (Amadio, Anderson, Sjoklany).” You can go on as long as you want, ’cause you’re doing a poor job of proving this stuff just makes you seem like an eccentric old fart in a virtual world. This section has about three hours of legless Mario to it. Damn straight! I know, I understand your pain. Just get yourself one of those crutches and a note saying you tried out for Cheers and didn’t get it. Wow, what a downer. Right. I tried to buy Roy Mustang’s real name on an episode of Millennium Quake, but I missed the deadline. We should probably sue the